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hehehehh :)

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[17 May 2004|06:44am]
here are some wonderful emails my ex girlfriend sent me..

Im afraid we'll get really close again if we become friends. I know its
hard for you to look at me... but today when you didnt, it kind of


god i wish i could help you... but i dont know if i can help myself.. all
i know is i miss you like hell


chelsea showed me what you said. you cant move on, i know it, you cant
just forget and neither can i and we both know it. and fine maybe you
need to move on for now. but i will never hurt you again. never. it
makes me feel sick everytime i think about you with emily. how can you
say all that you did to me and tell one of my friends that that you neede
to move on. i dont believe it, anything you want to know about what i
was feeling about what i was thinking you can.


hmn there was a lot more in IM :/ she makes me feel very depressed..
your breath

randomness :D [14 Apr 2004|11:50pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I stole this from a profile! It's not about venting! but it's something to read when you're bored, maybe i can look back on it in a year or two :)

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1.) Dead Poetic
2.) Engine Down
3.) Chevelle
4.) Thursday
5.) Coheed and Cambria
6.) Thrice
7.) At the Drive in
8.) From Autumn To Ashes
10.) Taking Back Sunday

//09 things you look forward to:
1.) Shows with the band
2.) hanging out with kaitlin
3.) band practice
4.) tuesday night astronomy lineup on the science channel
5.) my birhday
6.) driving!
7.) school ending
8.) summer
9.) having kids

//8 things you like to wear:
1.) old man house shoes
2) axe body spray
3) my guitar
4) jeans
5) My t-shirts
6) boxers
7) not wearing any boxers
8) birthday suit

//07 things that annoy you:
1) Liars
2) school
3) the IM sounds
4) headaches
5) time
6) tests
7) grades

//06 things you say most days:
1) Yo
2) I'm tired
3) hi
4) good afternoon
5) good evening
6) good morning

//05 things you do everyday:
1) Shower
2) go on my computer
3) play my guitar
4) think
5) live

//04 people you want to spend more time with:
1) Kaitlin
2) Kaitlin
3) Kaitlin
4) Kaitlin

//03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1) Contact
2) Pi
3) Pi

//02 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1) Dead Poetic - Vanus Empty
2) Coldplay - Clocks

//01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1) it's too hard to tell when you're this young...

1heartbeat| your breath

teh economy :P [14 Apr 2004|05:23pm]
[ mood | amused ]

hello! I'm going to dedicate my journal to venting from now on!
Lets start with... Microsoft.

When you talk abot microsoft, it's hard to fail to mention Linux. Linux is an open-source FREE operating system. Windows is an expensive non open source operating system. If you look at the facts, Linux makes windows look like a tyrant dictator who worships communism ( thats if you are a patriotic, liberal and democractic human being, i personally believe communism has very intelligent ideas, but they have been pursued with the wrong leaders) .
So with this, I decided to go to www.microsoft.com and i searched for Linux. What I found strikingly amusing was that when you searched, and scrolled down to the support part of the search it says "How to remove linux from your computer and install windows" as a serious link. I support windows because the CEO Bill Gates just wants to make money, and can you blame him? I bet if you had the chance to take advantage of the American economy you would, I know I would. If Linux were able to put microsoft out of business, i'm sure the economy will develop a scar. It's businesses like microsoft that helps the economy, if businesses like that were gone, such as Kodak, Verizon, Walmart etc.. (the ones with greedy CEO's) where would the economy be? I Guess you could say who cares about the economy.. but I care, look what happened during the great depression, the rest of the world depended on americas economy, once americas economy collapsed, the rest of the worlds economy collapsed. So living in the U.S. I support big businesses. But I didn't used to, i used to be a rebellious bastard who was against the american way of life and was all for anarchy, but I didn't have the logic and understanding then as I do now, which brings me back to Linux and Windows. Some say it's a war, others really don't give a shit. But I think that Linux and Windows is kind of like this movie i watched with the invention of cold fusion or something like that, it was free energy that consisted of infinity quantities of it or whatever. But this cold fission or whatever puts the other energy companies out of business, such as the huge oil industries. the cold fission energy would be like Linux, because it's free, and it's open source, and windows would be like the oil industries. So my point is that good things aren't always good. but I support Linux. :P One huge corporation gone couldn't hurt all that much. Just a few stock holders pocketbooks :)

your breath

pfft! [09 Sep 2003|04:12pm]
irrlvntx <-- new sn :/
your breath

drown this gold in cheese [30 Jun 2003|02:49pm]
hi! the fourth of july is coming up. i still don't know what im doing, i have plans for the 3rd though.
im going to this girls house who lives on coneseus lake, and there is going to be fireworks, so that will be rad
I need to get a hold of jay because i want to hang out with him soon. idk, he's been really busy i guess
Latley i have been inside mostly doing nothing, i have no life i need to get out . im so bored. maybe i shouldnt here drowned in self-pitty, i need to be a lot more active, maybe i will go to someoens house soon and like stay there for a week or so or something just to get out of this freaking house! gah!
but yeah! lol id ont know, gimme some ideas of what i can do!
i needdd ideasss! help ! =D
1heartbeat| your breath

[29 Jun 2003|02:41pm]
i want to get a real band. gah!
2heartbeats| your breath

[25 Jun 2003|10:19pm]
my mom is making me get a job ! she got an application from wegmans and filled it out for me, lol lol!! It's money, but money causes problems, a lot neways. So at about 100$ a week, that cant cause many problems, it will all go into either my computer or my guitar. Speaking of guitar, jayson, i need to go to his house soon so we can all play, it only feels right when i play with him, anyone else i play with its ok but bleh. " You're wasting your life away " my mom just told me, because i have been inside the past couple days and i wake up at noon. lol! oh well! =D
2heartbeats| your breath

hi [25 Jun 2003|10:03pm]
You are Peace
You are Peace.
You are at peace with your self and the world
around you. You have balance in your life and
exude tranquility from every pore of your body.
People are constantly asking you "what is
your secret?"

What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Haven't posted in a while! =D Things have been ok. I will post more. I love you jay and everyone else.
your breath

shadowed by your face [08 May 2003|10:10pm]
[ mood | mellow ]

oh a life of mine.


oh the birthday was fine. chris, my mom's ex boyfriend, the doctor dude.. well he got me a digital video recorder, takes awesome pictures. it's great. it's fun, but it doesn't work well in dimmer places.. =D

oh school

Grades are freaking awesome latley.. surprised i am. 100 on a bio test, then a 96 on a bio test, just got a 95 on a math quiz, 90, 94 98, english tests.. spanish, im getting 95 -102% on tests.. =D Global, well i'm not too sure yet. just took a test yesterday and i dont know how that went. so i'm doing well

love for music

the fortune cookie that read "Your love of music will be an important part of your life." is really starting to glimmer at me. Freaking chinese people.. gotta love them. but not the SARS. Buddy and I have been doing awesome the past week, we got 2 songs down perfect, and 2 we're working on. still need a bassist, and eric needs to still get the p/a. then we'll be set. =) eric can't sing to well, but he can do the whisper voice, which sounds mysterious, and scream. so we're good. i just cant wait, by the end of this summer we will be doing shows.. latley buddy and i , or his real name is nate, but yeah, he and I really have been connecting, musically, recently. its freaking awesome, to just hear what you play as you play it, and you know that it sounds good, that is teh best feeling ever, and then listen to it after you recorded it with a karaoke machine. ah . love. but it would be better with a bassist, and eric singing, sorta. =D i just hope to see where this is going to lead.


hahaha. so yeah, about a month ago when laura and I were going out, jjust from how she was feeling and how she was gaining weight, and her not having her period in two months i knew for sure she was pregnant.. we got in a fight over this, she likes to fight, i never fought with someone so much, i cant stand her now, but i think its funny, because i guess recently she took two pregnancy tests, first one was negative, and the second one was positive.. she hasn't had her period since february and she has gained like 15 pounds. so hahaha. wow. her life is ruined, and she is still smoking pot and with that loser fuck face shawn. he's gonna go to jail because she's too afraid to tell her parent's, and I know she won't get an abortion.. it's her decisions.. i have some feeling of concern for her. but it's her fault. i just wish the best for her kid.. or well with shawn beign the dad, that women beater high school drop out loser pothead druggy fagit who cheats and lies on laura all the time and she still stays with him, is just the greatest influence. but life. you know..

i have been single for about 2 weeks now
i was with justina for a week, broke up and then a week later i guess laura and I hooked up, i couldnt take it, so i broke up with her a few days later, she likes to fight to much. not worth it..

Future.. Too come..

School is over in 24 school days. 23 school days left after tomorrow. then summer, well after testing, then summer =) -- im dedicating this summer to my band. and probably something else, we'll see what comes around. getting myself in shape mroe? not being so god damn pale. =) i like to feel good about myself. i do anyways, but it would be nice to not be so pale, and not so out of breath when i barley run.. im starting to see some cuts in my abs =) so i bet that will improve soon. =) Jenn is supposed to come over with sharon two weeks from friday, i love that girl to death! i haven't seen her since september. early october maybe?? if that.. early oct is the lates. it's mreo like mid september, but yeah. it will be fun. im going to jump on her when i see her, or something?? hahaha i will always love her, she is someone i can see myself marrying. i have never connected with someone so much in my life.

recently life has been good.. besides a few bumps.. but besides that, everythign seeems to be getting better. . i hope anyways

your breath

oh, the lips of utopia. [01 May 2003|09:21pm]
[ mood | bored ]

So tomorrow is my birthday! I don't know if i'm going to have a party, but i might have a few people over and do somethings, i don't know what though, hopefull tomorrow will be easy. we'll see.

I took a math test today, i think i got a 100 on it, i'll find out tomorrow =D . So yeah my life is boring. nothing interesting happened in school, but right before we were let off to go the power went out and was out for half a minute, it was great. people screamed and there were all these peopel running around and i heard someone say something about total anarchy haha. then they went back on and everyone was already leaving so yeah. afterschool i hung out with one of my friends, she's the funniest person i know, her name is sara, she's cool.
a little bit later i went over to buddy's ( this kid who is gonna be the drummer for this band i'll eventually get together) and we played together. I made this song last week, and today was the second day i spent with him in getting it together. He has some trouble going from the verse into the breakdown and back into the chorus. he needs to play much harder and heavier. he doesn't hit hard enough, i don't think. but he's good, and he needs to be more creative, he is, but just like the intro's to songs , on the drums right at the beginning their is something sort of like an opener then goes into a normal thing, haha i dont know, tomorrow if we play i'll explain it to him. it's a decent song. need a bassist though, . this kid eric is going to sing in our band, his uncle is going to let us use his p/a if he eats a worm, so i wonder how that goes! lol! after buddy and I played that song we were trying to think of songs we both knew.. we only could come up with aerials, but we did a much shorter version of it, it sounds pretty good. earlier in the day i heard him playing a long to nirvana - smells like preteen spirit.. I just got done learning that song, so maybe we can play it tomorrow, if we play tomorrow, hopefully. =)

and like always besides what i did with buddy and school, i have done absolutley nothing. lol! how fun is my life!

1heartbeat| your breath

another day just like the previous. [30 Apr 2003|05:26pm]
[ mood | bored ]

laura really annoys me. oh well, i'd be better off without her.

I turn 15 in 2 days =D or less than that. Friday is my birthday, but i wont feel any different like most people expect too. *yawn* i think i dont get enough sleep! or not enough caffiene, i have had no caffiene in my system in the longest time. driving me nuts.

Ever since I decided to take a break from relationships I have been really apathetic and out of tune with how I feel. I feel like.. ok, i have felt better. I just want some energy to actually want to do something, i want to play my guitar in a band. =\

I have this age script on mIRC and it says i'm 14.99407 years old, thats down to like minutes haha almost.

Sex And Candy, haven't heard this in a while, I miss this music that used to be played a lot, that has this same kind of sound. I like it. People would probably call it alternative? i dont care though, i like this song =D
Such a small town, geneseo, feels like it's all college people or old people, all the people my age or around + or - 2 or 3 years, are all boring, and the same, in certain ways, by how they see things with life and how they love to judge and sterotype people . Basically it's like "oh you dont wear the kind of clothes we do, so your a fagit and you are a queer and you don't deserve to live" or some shit like that, most of that has stopped so i'm good. people say that their are more fish in the sea, like with finding a person to be with, well their aren't that many fish in this sea . Maybe in a sea next to mine.
I feel like listening to Nirvana :)

My mom bought me a Digitech Xp100 Whammy-Wah pedal for my guitar. It's pretty cool, fun.. I can get some funk sounds out of it and some sounds that sound like screaming. it's great.

This dove won't fly very far.
paper cuts kill.

your breath

if your lips touch mine, will i get chills? [17 Apr 2003|06:44am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

So everything seems to be getting better. Today is the last day of school until the monday after next week. Spring break!! Finally!! I wonder what it's going to be like. Just one more day!
I'm having a party in my spanish class of 5 people today! hahaha! we always mess around their and do almost no work and we still all, well I get all 90's or higher on tests and quizzes. Weird. Oh with the exception of an 89 on a test yesterday.
Kasey is coming over tonight with his bass and amp and we're going to jam with our new drummer, which will be exciting. Because i haven't played with both of those, since.. I was playing with jays band like 3 - 4 weeks ago. and before that it was almost since september, if that. Back when i was actually in the band. School seems a lot more relaxing latley, or more calm and apathetic.. because this senior kid, Jared bush, killed himself.. very said RIP JARED
i didnt know him well. but he liked to talk shit about me and call me names like his friend. But i dont hold it against him.. - - I hope today is an easy day.. Jay is supposed to come over tomorrow, we will freaking have a blassst!!! Freaking ya ya!!

Things seem to be working out between Laura and I latley.. She's been a lot nicer, I would be more comfortable with asking her out if she didn't talk or see shawn anymore, beacuse i dont think she can let herself go from him. and i wont date her until she does... I already told her that but i dont think she understands.. Because thats her ex boyfriend, and yeah. so Yeah.

This weather is making me go crazy, 82 at 5 on tuesday, at 5 on wednesday (yesterday) 37 !! WHAT THE HELL!! lol .. 60 is forecasted for tomorrow though. It's kind of annoying.. oh well.. i need to go get ready for school. I'm tired..

2heartbeats| your breath

warm like your breath on my neck. [15 Apr 2003|06:39am]
[ mood | calm ]

So justina and I broke up. Well I broke up with her, because of like everything. idk. And she called me last night. we talked and now her and I are on good terms, at least we're friends, more than anything else. Laura and I are also on good terms. We have been talking more. but we're just friends, nothing more. Same with krystle, she has been much nicer too me. weird! lol well today its supposed to be like 80 something?? wow. it has not been this warm since like before fall.. on the news it said oct. 2nd but that was the forecast for last night. We'll see!!

I need more friends like Katrina. She is awesome =)

11heartbeats| your breath

[13 Apr 2003|03:47pm]
[ mood | apathetic ]

i want some cocoa puffs.

your breath

SARA FUCING ROCKS!! [13 Apr 2003|02:30pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]


1heartbeat| your breath

[11 Apr 2003|06:41am]
[ mood | tired ]

So here I am getting ready for school. Yesterday laura and I talked online and then on the phone for 5 mins. It seems that things between her and I, frienship wise are getting better, but Justina doesn't like it when i talk to her. I still need to talk to her about that.
Justina and I had a converstation last night about what her and I both want and how our relationships are based on trust and honesty. So thats good..

but i think laura thinks that i still want to be with her. i don't . i want justina.. i like justina. but maybe im doubting myself for having feelings for laura? because to hear that she says she cries when she thinks about me rips me apart inside. I dont know. maybe i do. But i can't be with laura. She will treat me like shit. maybe she changed idk. But im with Justina, and she treats me soo goood.. she is such a great person.
It's too early.

Its friday.

I just ran out of my anti-depressants yesterday, they help me stay awake in school. So i will probably get a lot of rest today.

There is a dance tonight. Justina is going. But im not going to go. i dont like the music their. and im sure most of the people there will try to start shit with me because i wear different cltohes and blah blah blah
its retarded .. I dc.

i need to get rready. im sitting here in my boxers, my hair is still wet..

1heartbeat| your breath

[10 Apr 2003|06:44am]
and now i find mysellf listening to poppy punkish emo. Idont know whats wrong w/me.
1heartbeat| your breath

[10 Apr 2003|06:41am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I feel so horrible, how i'm treating laura and how im making her feel latley. She loves me so much, and im telling her that i dont want to be with her. I've never acted like this towards a girl, and that hurts me. I can't go back out with her. I know i would just get even more hurt than I already have. I want to stay with Justina.. I feel so selfish. but maybe i'm not? i dont know.

i dont care anymore..

1heartbeat| your breath

[08 Apr 2003|06:43am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So i expected to have a day off from school. But we dont. but thats because, i think, i expected it to happen.. That's ok. Im planning on telling laura today how i dont want to be with her, because i know that if i stay with her, i will end up getting hurt. I might seem CHILDISH, from like breaking up with her then start messing around withsomeone else... KATRINA.. But it's not like that.. it's much different, and she doesnt understand. So KAtrina is going to have to like, not like me now because of how ive been with different girls latley. Like beraking up with krystle because she cheated on me and then like a week or two later Laura and i went out, and she turned out to be a total bitch, so like 3 weeks of going out with her i broke up with her then like a day after the day i broke up with her, things started happening with Justina. So that makes me a man whore.. sure.. why not. whatever .. Idc.. :(


Will someone please help me! IM me at blndedbyred !


3heartbeats| your breath

[07 Apr 2003|03:38pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So yeah! today in school laura did nothing but tell me how much she wants me back. And i tell her i dont know. I dont really want to be with her because i know if i do get with her, she will just hurt me.. I want to pursure something with justina! shes a real sweet girl ! haha well idk. my m om just got home . and shes making me some food. And katrina is a beautiful girl! the end!

2heartbeats| your breath

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